Tutu Cute

I'm getting so super excited about little miss's upcoming 3rd birthday!! We're doing ONE party this year, finally, and I want it to be lots of fun and excitement for the girlie. I have no idea where it's going to be or what theme we're going to do...but we have the outfit picked out, so at least she'll look nice!! :)

We ordered this tutu off Etsy last night...the fuchsia and black 6" one. It's going to be so cute, I can't wait!! To go under it we ordered these little capri leggings from Walmart.com. Free shipping to the store, they cost me just over 4$!
I'm going to make something like this for H to wear in her hair, except I'll make it on a pony tail holder and use varying black and fuchsia ribbons, minus the korkers because they're a pain to make.

For shoes, we're going to get her a little pair of black and white low top Converse. We're going for a sort of funky, "little girl playing dress up" look...nothing too dressy, but still cute. :) Can't wait!!!

Any ideas for a shirt to go with this outfit??? That's the last piece of the puzzle, and we're completely clueless!!

Uncertainty

Well I'm giving D the option of marriage counseling. He's always said no to it in the past, so I can't see why now would be any different. But I'm so so tired of dealing with this. It's affecting me physically. I'm so stressed I'm getting sick every day now. I've tried not letting it bother me, but the past couple days have been bad. I just can't ignore the fact that it's still not working.

We have no money, and he knows this. Yet he continues to eat out every day for lunch, even though he just bought a nice new cooler to take his lunches in...he's too lazy to make his lunch before he goes to bed and won't get up early enough to make it in the mornings. So we're going to overdraw our account, because he's lazy. Which is nothing new. I've dealt with this every single semester he's been in school. So now he comes home last night and tells me we need to save up $375 for this golf trip to CA which the school can't pay all of the expenses for...I calmly told him to call his dad and ask him for the money because we haven't even paid our property taxes yet. He then proceeded to tell me that he sold a book that day for $45 so he's putting that towards the golf trip. Because I didn't want to fight, I didn't bring up the fact that he KNOWS we're going to overdraw our account, so shouldn't he give me the money for bills and whatnot...I just left it at that. But then today he calls and yells at me that he NEEDS knew windshield wipers. He can't see at all. I couldn't on the way to work this morning either...but he had to PULL OVER for Christ sakes! I told him to get wipers then. But I thought about it, and called him back, and told him to use the 45$ from his book sale for his wipers. And what does he say? "NO! That's for the trip!" Ok, so we're going to overdraw our account for some wipers and pay OD fees. How the hell does that make any sense!??!

Is this normal??? I really need to know...does everyone have to deal with crap like this, or is my husband really the huge idiot I think he is!??! I don't have money to buy groceries, but thank GOD he's got 45$ sitting in his wallet to put towards his golf trip...

Am I over reacting here? I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to get things set up for divorce...getting my credit cards paid off (if he'd ever quit blowing what little extra money we have), putting some money in savings to help with the bills when he's gone...because we all know there's no way in hell I'm getting child support from his sorry ass. How could I, without him having a steady job. Because I'm SO not counting on this whole stupid caddy position in Florida to really happen...and he wouldn't be making squat doing it anyway.

:( Today sucks...

It's been a while...

So...I don't really know where to begin. Things have been sort of crazy...like always I guess. And I haven't felt like writing for some reason. So, if anybody still reads this...here goes. I think I'll just use bullets.

~I'll start off with something that's really silly but that makes me happy...I figured out if I wash my hair at night, sleep on it all night, then put this special gel/cream on it in the morning, I can wear my hair curly with little to no frizz. It's awesome.

~I've gained about 15 lbs over the last 2 months, Lord knows why...and I feel disgusting and lumpy and my clothes are too tight. So I'm back to drinking only diet soda and *trying* not to snack all day or eat a snack before bed (perfect timing, seeing as how my mom just gave me a HUGE box of baklava, which I LOVE...SIGH)

~They threatened me at work finally. Told me if I was late one more day by even a minute they were firing me. I also was instructed to cut down on the dr. appointments (why I haven't been back to the neurologist to sort out my problems) and up my output at work. I've since gotten caught up at work (was behind from being gone almost a whole week sick) and I get here on time or early most days, but now my boss is acting weird towards me and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if I have a REASON to be paranoid.

~I finally had to sit down and just tell D that things aren't working. I explained to him that I just don't think he's capable of the kind of love and support that I need, and that it's not fair to both of us to stay together when the relationship just isn't going well. I basically told him I don't think it would be a bad idea for him to move to FL where his new job is going to be. (I'm not moving...) Maybe take a year to find himself, grow up a bit, then come back and see where we stand. I also told him if he does want to stay together we've both got to work at this REALLY hard because things HAVE to change. No more of the whole things are fine for a week or two and then he's back to normal, calling me names, treating me like crap. I FINALLY got to him, he FINALLY really understood what I was saying and it really affected him. Or so I thought. After about two weeks, like usual, we're back to fighting, him being worthless as a husband. So I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live without him. Without a steady job I would never get child support. I really do love him, but sometimes I hate him with a passion at the same time. He finally agreed that we'd always be friends if we do break up, which is something he used to adamantly refuse to...unless I cheat on him, of course. I'm really torn up about the whole thing, about not knowing what to do. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's really hard.

~My dad's in jail. I'm so upset about this. He's already talking about not being able to make it. He gets so down, and I know EXACTLY how he feels and how his brain works, because I'm the same way. I'm praying to God everyday to give him the strength to hold on and get through it. I hate it that when he's finally turned his life around and become such a good person, that he has to go to jail for something that happened almost a year ago. (I posted about it on here...)

~My friends have really rallied around me and I thank God every single day for them. My old friends and my newer ones. A group of us came together for no other reason than we all have kids (or were wanting them and trying to get pregnant) and we live in the same town...we're all from different walks of life, different professions, different interests, everything, but we've gotten very close and genuinely care about each other, despite our differences. I don't know what I did to deserve being included, but they did include me, and I am so so thankful! The fact that these are new people, that haven't known me for years and years, that actually like me and want to spend time with me, makes me feel awesome. They don't judge me for my quirks at all...actually they seem to like me for my uniqueness! If it wasn't for my awesome friends and family, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far through the mess that is my life lately.

~I'm still having problems being way tired all the time, waking up all the time at night, falling to sleep in less than a minute, hurting off and on, not remembering things...but I'm trying to work through it. If I'm tired, I try to rest. When I'm feeling good, I try to get out and have fun instead of doing housework non stop. I'm trying to make free time and spend it with family and friends that make me happy...even if it means leaving Dan home alone to be bored out of his mind once in a while. People remind me of things I've forgotten, which is super helpful.

~Going along with the last thing about sleep, is another HUGE development. Hailey is now sleeping in her own bed (she's been in our bed for months now) AND for the first time in her life she is putting herself to sleep at night. Which helps me GREATLY. No more laying in there for hours waiting for her to fall asleep. We read a book, say our goodnight saying, kisses, nightlight on, classical lullaby CD on, and I leave the room. She still gets up a couple times most nights, but she goes back to bed without a huge fight and usually falls to sleep within 30 minutes of me first putting her to bed. Last night she didn't get up at ALL!! Now I can put her to bed and go get in bed myself, or go finish a chore, or have time to get on the internet for a little bit...it's wonderful!! I really wish I'd done it sooner. If I ever have another baby, I will for sure try to train them to go to sleep on their own at MUCH sooner an age than I did with Hailey. I do miss snuggling with her at night and falling asleep with her little arm wrapped securely around my side...but it's so much healthier for all of us this way.

~I read all the Twilight books and have seen the movie four times. When it first came out I made D go with me because nobody else was free. The 2nd time I took my sister in law. The 3rd time I took my cousin. And the 4th time I took my mom. My mom shares my love of Twilight, which I think is totally awesome. I have also fallen in love with Rob Pattinson (not because he was Edward in the movie, just because he's him...) and I want an Edward for myself LOL I found a site on Etsy that actually sells scented lotions that are scented like the characters in the book are described as smelling. I absolutely LOVE the Edward lotion. It's become a joke with my family and friends now...my mom called me last night and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was rubbing some Edward all over my butt (my skin's been SO DRY lately!!) HAHA well we think it's funny anyway... In case anybody is interested, the shop is Essence of Twilight.

~I've gotten started back up making things to sell on Etsy...I'm doing more Valentine's Day stuff right now, but will soon be into more general things again. :)
Well I'm still clumsy as ever...I just spilled diet coke all over my desk...maybe that's a sign I need to get back to work ;) Hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to post again soon.

Comfort

It's dizzying how fast my thoughts/feelings seem to change. Sometimes I feel like my mind works on it's own and I'm just along for the ride, dealing with whatever comes along.

I'm wondering now how I could have felt like I dislike my husband, just a week ago. And now, as sudden as it came on, the feeling's gone. It was such a STRONG feeling. Thank God I know not to act on my decisions without thinking in depth about everything. Now, just a week later, I look at him and see somebody that I know I can't live without, no matter how frustrated I get at times. He's my best friend. He knows everything about me. He's the one person, besides my mom, that I feel 100% comfortable around. I can let down my guard and just be me. I love that comfort. And I love him for loving me, despite all my flaws.

Other guys literally make my stomach turn after a while...sometimes just a week, sometimes a couple months...but it ALWAYS happens. There comes a time when I look at them and just think EW. And I turn into a bitch, and they end up not liking me and never talking to me again. I just can't help it. I've been with D over 9 years now, and I am still able to look at him and think how much I love his shoulders, and his arms. And his voice. He's my D, and I don't think that'll ever change. I just need to grow up and realize that that all-consuming love generally just doesn't happen. And honestly, now I don't think I'd want it. We had a talk this weekend where I tried to tell D I felt like we were just really good friends. He disagreed...he told me that we were just well beyond our years, and acted like we'd been married for ages. At first I didn't see it, but after thinking about it for a few days, I see that he's right. I think I just had a momentary freak out, and now that I've dealt with it, we can move on. We do need to learn to respect each other and treat each other with love...that's for sure. But I really think things will get better from here on out. Now that I've realized I don't want anybody else.

what I know...

~My cell phone smells good. :)

~My husband is a freak about hunting, he's so serious about it...yet he answers his phone with a whisper when I call...?? He's weird.

~I know why I'm with D...he's the only guy I've ever been with that doesn't make me sick to my stomach after a while. I feel like such a bitch...but guys just get old REALLY quick. And they never get the hint.

~I'm freaking starving...cookies for breakfast, Starbuck's for lunch and chocolate for a snack is NOT a healthy, filling diet...

~My sister's actually coming home for Christmas, and I'm so excited I think I could explode.

~I'm in love with Robert Pattinson.

~I don't mind snow but I hate sleet that freezes on my windshield so I can't see where I'm going.

~Christmas is going to be awesome this year.

~I love my new haircut.

~My little brother is almost 14, and that makes me feel SUPER old.

Where to begin

Ok so I've been MIA forever. There has been a lot going on. Bullets seem like the most appropriate way to write this post, since I don't have time to go into a whole lot of detail right now. So, this is my always complicated life in a nutshell...as it is right now...

~I'm most likely not going to be staying with my husband. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago. I'm turning 26 soon and I don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life with somebody that hurts me left and right, like I have the last 10 years. I want more. I'm sorry. I want to be loved. That's not too much to ask. This is really difficult because while I feel this way now, I can't act on it now. Money and kids complicate things. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. All I know is I want love. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm getting impatient. My family is being totally supportive of me. Thank God for my mom, stepmom and dad. Yes, I did just say thank God for my dad. He has been amazing through all this, giving me advice and guidance. He's being a father, and it's so nice. It's too bad he's about to go to jail. I just want to be friends with D. But I know that could never happen. :( It's all or nothing with him.

~I've been taking care of EVERYTHING around the house with no complaints towards D. I think I'm setting myself up for being a single mom. Why bitch at him a million times to take out the trash when I can just bag it up myself and do a better job?

~I've seen the Twilight movie twice. I'm a Twilight-aholic all of a sudden. I've read all the books, even the partial rough draft online of Midnight Sun on the Stephenie Meyers website. I wish I had an Edward to sweep me off my feet (minus the newborn's hunting me, I have had bad dreams about that...minus the good Edward part, WTF gives??!?!). Because of this movie I'm now in love with Robert Pattinson. I feel like a 13 year old girl again, being so crazy over a famous guy. I think it has something to do with finally finding myself again and not caring what D thinks. All I know is Robert Pattinson is not only hot, but seems to be a very interesting person. LOL I'm such a nerd I know.

~I finally got my hair cut after 1.5 years of letting it grow out. I just got a trim and a few layers, but it looks so much healthier, I freaking LOVE it! I did it on a whim Saturday night. Again, I think it's part of the whole finding myself deal. I've been taking better care of myself lately.

~Hailey's sleeping with us every night now. I've finally admitted to the world that I like having my daughter in bed with me. We go to bed together at night, she cuddles up to my back while I read by the light of my cell phone. It's just so peaceful. I love snuggling with her in the middle of the night. Now if only we could find some way to get D out of the bed...

~By some weird coincidence today I finally found an old friend I've been looking for for years. We'd had crushes on each other our Freshman year in highschool but lost touch when I started dating my then-boyfriend. I've tried to look him up for years with no luck. Then today, right when I'm feeling like I really need a friend to talk to, I got on Facebook and there in the updates I saw his name. Another friend had accepted a friend request from him. I couldn't believe it. So I sent a friend request to him and he IM'd me not 20 minutes later. We talked all day minus the lunch break. I sort of don't know what to think. I feel bad that I'm excited. And there's more to the story. He's engaged to a woman he hates because she cheated on him 6 months ago. If he had the guts or another woman he'd leave her. But he's such a good guy. Very sweet, caring. Always was even back then. He has a 2 year old little girl. But I feel stupid that I feel excited. He lives over 4 hours away. And has a kid. And I'm still married. I'm not being stupid here, we're just getting back in touch and it's been so long but the timing of it all is just so weird.

And now I've gotta go pick up Hailey. I feel like I have no time to blog anymore :(

Sorry Adam, apparently she's not a fan

One day last week on the way to the sitter's I happened to have the radio on in the car, which hardly ever happens...like ever, seriously. So I was super excited when The Thanksgiving Song by Adam Sandler came on. Love it..."I love to eat turkey, cause it's good...I love to eat turkey like a good boy should..." Yep, too funny. Anywho...much to my dismay, Hailey was NOT impressed. "Mommy, what's this?" with a look of either utter disgust or utter confusion on her face (I couldn't tell which it was)..."The Thanksgiving song!" I told her. She said "The ThanksGIVING song???" like that was THE stupedist thing she had EVER heard in her whole 3 years of life. "Yea, The Thanksgiving song! It's funny! He's singing about turkey!" I told her. Again, she says "The ThanksGIVING song??" "YES" I told her. Then as we were getting out of the car at the sitter's, Hailey asked me "Mommy, where's Darks Bentweys???" SIGH...Ok, I love Dierks. I really do. He sings good, he's hot, he sings great...but come on, she totally dissed Adam Sandler and a totally classic song! Oh well, at least she likes "Darks" LOL I can live with that.

Speaking of Darks, the other day Hailey was super happy when I put his CD in the player in the car. She exclaimed "Mommy, this is Darks Bentweys?? Grandma gave it back to us from her car???" It was so cute. She was so excited. And she tries to sing the sings, and dances in her car seat. How cute is she?? I think she's gotta be his youngest fan. Anybody know where to get her a TShirt? LOL

Update

So my MRI went ok...the meds they gave me to sedate me didn't kick in til after I got home. Lot of help they were! :) But I was able to hold still and concentrate so I didn't panic or freak out. They got the pictures they needed, and now I'm nervously awaiting the results. Of course, being the worrier I am, I'm worried I have a brain tumor or something since it's taking so long to get the results...but I'm staying positive. Just because I got most of the bad things from both sides of the family so far, doesn't mean I have to get the horrible ones too, right?? Well that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

I'm super excited about the craft show I'm participating in this weekend. It's not a huge one, just a few of us at my friend's house with our displays set up for a couple hours. We invited family, friends and friends of friends. I've made a few bow boards, a bunch of super cute matchbook style notepads, a bunch of gift tags (most in the more traditional style that you just tape on a package), sets that include a card and two coordinating gift tags...5 x 7 Christmas cards...WHEW! And I'm making even more! I'm designing and making some gift card holders tonight that my husband's grandma ordered, and if I like the design enough I may make some of those for the sale as well! We're really hoping it goes well. Anything I don't sell I'll be listing in my Etsy store!

I've started my Christmas shopping already. I have a list of things I want to get for Hailey in regular stores but I'm waiting for the after Thanksgiving sales in hopes I'll find a good bargain on at least some of them. After my awesome experience getting up at the butt crack of dawn to hit the Walmart Black Friday sales last year (leaving Hailey and D home asleep) I'm super excited for this year...even my mom is excited after my experience last year!!! I think we're going to go together and make it a fun little outing...I wonder if Starbuck's opens that early...hmmm. So anyway, back to gifts...the rest of the stuff I've purchased off of, where else, Etsy! I love knowing I'm supporting others just like myself, and the stuff is awesome! I'm having a lot of fun with the season this year. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not stressing me out at all. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas (my husband is such a Scrooge, he won't let me put up the tree or anything yet...but I snuck out a new "JOY" decoration early and he hasn't noticed teehee!)

That's about all I have time for right now. Hope everyone's having a great week!

Photos by Kristybee - Feature

I have always loved photography...a dream of mine has always been to be a professional photographer. Taking pictures of things I find beautiful or interesting and having people appreciate my work enough to pay me for it...how great would that be?

I have a small list of favorite photographers. Some really famous, some not quite there yet. I recently came across a shop on Etsy, Photos by Kristybee, that I have fallen in love with and added to my list of favorites.

Kristy's photos are so amazingly beautiful, I wish I could buy every single one. I love how she uses natural light to show off and beautify such simple objects. Her photo composition is amazing...a peaceful, delicate flower against a bright blue sky, highlighted by the sun...just amazing. I could go on and on about Kristy's photos, but they really speak for themselves...

Tiny Green Apples

Some of my fondest memories are of cooking with my grandma over the years. I started helping my grandma cook when I was only three years old. We'd wake up bright and early to cook my grandpa breakfast before he went off to work. She'd pull a chair up to the stove and let me cook scrambled eggs in my very own mini cast iron skillet. Eventually she also taught me to bake, making pies and things of that sort. I learned how to peel carrots and apples and potatoes without cutting myself, and cracked and picked many many pecans over the years.

I want Hailey to have these special memories like I do. I may not be as skilled at cooking from scratch as my grandma was, but I can still make pie dough crackers and cookies and apple crisp to name a few. Actually learning the skills isn't necessarily what's important...it's making the memories and having fun cooking with family that really matters.

We've started this tradition slowly, and hopefully will have more time in the coming years. First we made pie dough crackers one week night. She had a blast, but cooking's a messy job...it was clear, Hailey needed an apron. While browsing Etsy one evening I came across Tiny Green Apples. They sell the most adorable personalized aprons, among other things. Hailey adores her apron...it's not just any apron, it's HER apron, because it's got HER name on it...she's sure to let us know :) These aprons are not only adorable, the quality is also amazing. They are heavy duty, yet comfortable. And generously sized too...Hailey will be able to use hers for years and years, but yet it fits her comfortably now. She wore her new apron when we made Halloween cookies and it was MESSY by the time we were done...but her clothes weren't! I just threw the apron in the washer and dryer, and voila! Good as new!

This mom and daughter apron set would be a perfect Christmas gift for a mother with a little girl...

I absolutely LOVE the Christmas tree style of aprons they have right now. How cute are they??

Have a little boy that likes to cook? These aprons aren't just for girls!

Tiny Green Apples sells more than just aprons. They have all sorts of personalized bags to choose from as well.

My personal fav is the cinch sack...

They also have a gift section that includes things like little dolls or these personalized towels which would make such a cute Christmas gift!
If you're in the market for personalized gifts for Christmas this year, definitely head on over and check out Tiny Green Apples today!